


LustIF: Starting Life With an Ace in the Hole

by Turacoverdin



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, Crack Treated Seriously, Hurt No Comfort, LustIF (Re:Zero), Multi, No Sex, re:zero-typical everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 23:13:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29865507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turacoverdin/pseuds/Turacoverdin
Summary: “DON’T TOUCH ME,” Piercings yelps. Subaru backs off quickly, hands up in the air. He really wishes he could wipe them off. They’re all slimy with mucus. Gross. It’s worth it, though. Piercings is freaking out. Subaru is kind of loving this, in that dark little petty part of him that he ties to ignore. He’s trying really, really hard not to grin. His heart is beating fast in his ears.Subaru discovers a new way to survive in dangerous situations: incredibly awful pick-up lines and innuendos.And then it becomes compulsive.this is labelled lustIF, but there is no sexual content in this fic; nor is it related content-wise to the original lustIF.
Relationships: Natsuki Subaru/Everyone (unrequited)
Comments: 35
Kudos: 84





	LustIF: Starting Life With an Ace in the Hole

**Author's Note:**

> **to repeat: there is no sex in this.** sorry to disappoint.
> 
> this was supposed to be a 1k crackfic?? and i'm sure it'll all get Completely Destroyed if tappei decides to redo lustIF. but whatever.
> 
> anyways um general warnings for rezero/rezeroIF typical violence, suicidal ideation, self-harm, self-hatred, nonconsensual heart-groping, etc. now with added verbal harassment! hooray!
> 
> this should probably be hornier but Nah.

In that space between death and life, there is a sound. There is a feeling, too, something there—something touching him.

Subaru looks at the robbers. He’s done this, what, twice already? Thrice? He hasn’t seen Not-Satella for a few loops. He’s been running into these guys often, and he’s been thinking. Last loop, there’d been a weird moment in the darkness between life and death—there’d been a whisper of a voice, something strange in his head, in his hands, in his heart, inside him, around him, everywhere, and it got him thinking. “Is this a sex thing?” he demands.

The one with the piercings draws away. “What?”

Subaru frowns. “No need to sound so revolted. I’m just asking.” He takes a step forwards. “I mean, I’m cool if it is. That’s, like, the whole point of an isekai, you know?”

The small one tugs at the big one’s shirt. “I think we should choose another target,” he whispers.

Piercings takes a step back.

“Those piercings are pretty hot,” says Subaru, trying to bat his eyes. He’s perhaps exaggerating a bit. You see, Subaru has come to a realisation. He’s been enlightened. He’s great at making people uncomfortable—so uncomfortable that they go away. It sucks, normally, because he’s not quite doing it on purpose. But recently, Subaru thinks that maybe he can weaponise it. To make people go away fast.

And what’s the quickest way to drive people away?

“This is a robbery,” says Piercings. He’s still shuffling backwards. “We’re—we’re trying to rob you.”

“Oh, I think this is a robbery,” Subaru says, injecting the exact amount of purr into his voice. He’s watched a lot of YouTube videos and harem anime. He knows how this goes. He takes another step forwards. “You’ve stolen my heart.”

“Um, we’re just going to—” Piercings looks incredibly freaked out. This is working surprisingly well. He didn’t really think it would—it was more of a whim than anything else, you know? He’d been getting a little—a little agitated, maybe, a little frustrated, so he figured he may as well give it a shot. Nice.

Subaru reaches out and tugs one of the piercings on his nose. Seductively. He does it seductively. This is definitely how seduction works. Eugh, it’s so gross—the guy’s got a runny nose. The things Subaru does to make people uncomfortable.

“DON’T TOUCH ME,” Piercings yelps. Subaru backs off quickly, hands up in the air. He really wishes he could wipe them off. They’re all slimy with mucus. Gross. It’s worth it, though. Piercings is freaking out. Subaru is kind of loving this, in that dark little petty part of him that he ties to ignore. He’s trying really, really hard not to grin. His heart is beating fast in his ears.

Suddenly a shadow falls over the alleyway. Subaru whirls around. It’s a guy. A really hot guy. Not that Subaru thinks guys are hot, hahahaha.  
He’s got hair like a flame and eyes like blue fire. There’s a heady power to his every movement. When he smiles, it’s like—it’s like—

“What seems to be the problem?” he asks. His voice is melodious. Like. Uh. Honey, or something. Subaru’s not a poetic guy. He’s more straightforward. And also straight. Totally straight.

“That’s Reinhard!” yelps the tiny one.

“Run!” shouts Piercings. He turns and scrambles away, the others on his heels.

Subaru grins to himself. That went super well. Much, much better than he’d expected. He turns to his savior, who’s smiling at him gently.

“Are you alright?” asks Subaru’s savior. He looks concerned. He looks like Subaru is the center of the world. What a nice dude. Subaru needs to reassess some of his previous assumptions about himself.

“Better now that you’re here,” says Subaru on automatic.

Subaru’s savior leans back. “That’s good,” he says after a moment. His smile has not dimmed at all.

Subaru flushes bright red. He can feel his pulse pounding in his cheeks as blood rushes up to his face—that’s how embarrassed he is.

Subaru’s new making-people-uncomfortable tactic is only for people he wants to make uncomfortable—people he wants to drive away. It’s pretty disrespectful, after all. He must remember that. He must use this power responsibly. He bows aggressively. “My name is Natsuki Subaru! Thank you very much for saving me, sir! You really got those guys out of there fast!”

“Ah, it may have been different if I’d been alone,” demurs the guy. He hesitates, looking down at Subaru, who is still bowing. “Do you mind me asking...what did they want from you?”

Subaru straightens up. “Oh, you know. Money. My life. The works.”

“Really.” Subaru’s savior blinks slowly. “Well, I’m glad you’re alright. You are new to Lugnica, are you not?”

Subaru is impressed. Smart and nice and gorgeous? “How could you tell?”

“Your garb is quite unusual. If I may, I’d advise you to be careful here. Lugnica is not so restive as it may be in peacetime.”

Subaru takes a second to parse that. “That explains all the murderous people, I guess.”

“Excuse me?”

Subaru jolts back. “Ah. Nothing.” He frowns. “I guess you do look pretty strong…” He shakes his head. He shouldn’t bother such a nice dude. Subaru can handle it by himself. Subaru doesn’t need—he shouldn’t ask for help. “No, it’s my problem. Thanks for saving me!” Subaru turns and leaves, muttering to himself, “Off to the loothouse...Hopefully my special ability works again this time.”

It does indeed work.

“Your bowels will look so lovely on the floor,” Elsa purrs, licking her lips. She’s been licking them a lot; they’re all shiny in the firelight. It’d probably be hot if she weren’t trying to kill Subaru and everyone there.

“You know what else would look lovely on the floor? Your clothes.” Subaru shoots her fingerguns.

Elsa blinks. She smiles. “Yes, they would. But compliments won’t get you out of this.”

“I don’t need to get out of this. I’m pretty in to this.” Subaru shoots her more fingerguns. He wishes he had actual guns. He wouldn’t know how to use them, but at least he could throw them at Elsa. Or at himself. He doesn’t really like this bad flirting stuff. It’s working, though, so he’ll keep it up, even if it kind of leaves a bad taste in his mouth. He doesn’t mean anything that he’s saying, anyways.

“What are you doing? Nonsense won’t help us!” Felt hisses angrily. “Stop flirting with the creepy lady!”

Subaru covers her ears. “You’re too young for this,” he tells her seriously. He looks at Elsa. “Hey, Elsa,” he shouts. “Wanna bone?”

Elsa stops bouncing around for a split second. Puck rams her in the face with an icicle. Subaru crows in victory. His secret technique worked! He’s totally going to keep using it. He’ll call it his Ultimate Technique. No, his ace in the hole. Yeah, he likes that one. This’ll be his ace.

Subaru adores his ace. He loves it. It’s much better than Return By Death.

Elsa does not get up.

Puck turns to Not-Satella. Her hair looks beautiful in the ice-refracted firelight—it catches the light and caresses it, leaving her aglow. Her feet are braced apart and she’s panting, high-pitched, with exertion. “Lia, I don’t think this guy is right for you,” Puck meows. So her name’s Lia, huh? 

Subaru sashays up to the pair. He is very proud of himself. His thoughts about Lia were pretty poetic. Also, more importantly, he just solved that problem really quickly and no one got hurt! That’s a two-for-one deal right there! Wow, his ace is great! He’s got his hands clamped over his stomach, though, just in case. “Hey!” he protests. “I’m a one-size-fits-all kind of person, kitty.”

Emilia blinks at him, doe-eyed.

Puck flicks his ears.

Felt coughs.

“Oh, wait,” Subaru realises. “Uh. Pretend I didn’t say that.”

“Are you flirting with me?” Puck mews disbelievingly. “I’m a metaphysical cat.”

“I like pu—” Subaru catches himself just in time. “I’ve gone drunk with power. Someone, please, silence me.”

“I can help you with that!” Elsa calls, launching herself across the room towards Subaru.

Suddenly that hot guy from before appears, opening the door politely. Everyone freezes what they’re doing. And then Puck freezes what they’re doing, too.

“Puck,” Emilia scolds quietly. “You didn’t have to freeze us.”

“Temperature play? That’s pretty hot,” Subaru says. Aloud. He says it aloud. He didn’t mean to say that. Oh, no.

“Oh, I think somebody needed an ice bath,” Puck comments.

“What is going on here?” asks that guy from before. He’s frozen to the floor. He manages to make it look like a personal fashion choice; the ice enfolds his legs and sweeps around his waist, the same color as his eyes.

“R-reinhard!” Felt yelps. Her teeth are chattering.

“Oo-ooh, n-ne-new prey,” says Elsa. Her teeth are chattering too, so it’s not very intimidating.

Old Man Rom rises up from behind the counter like a muscley, tattooed Loch Ness monster. He alone has escaped the freezing. “This lady showed up and started trying to murder us,” he grunts, gesturing to Elsa.

“I shall deal with this, then.” Reinhard, if that’s his name, breaks himself free of the ice easily.

“Y-you-you can es-es-scape that ea-ea-easily? N-n-no fair,” Subaru complains. This Reinhard guy really is super powerful. Subaru bets his secret weapons aren’t all awful. Not that his ace is awful. Subaru loves his ace. Then— “Oush, aye bith by tongue.”

“May-be that’ll get you to sh-shut up,” Felt huffs.

Reinhard whaps Elsa over the head and she slumps over, limp.

Puck does a loop-de-loop. “My time’s up!” he chirps. “Don’t talk to the weird one, Lia. He’s not good enough for you.” He disappears into the crystal. The ice melts.

Subaru stumbles and then rubs his arms. Felt, Lia, Reinhard, and Old Man Rom are all eyeing him like he’s some sort of horny wild dog. It’s not quite the reaction Subaru was going for, but no one’s dead, so he’ll take it. His ace is truly phenomenal. Only to be reserved for dangerous situations, but phenomenal nonetheless. “I think that went well,” he decides.

Elsa takes that moment of distraction to leap up—apparently being hit hard over the head only knocks a person out for a moment or two. Who knew. Certainly not Subaru, who’s lunged in front of Elsa and shouted, “You’re a real knock-out!”

And then, in her moment of _what the hell_ , he punches her in the face.

Elsa backflips away, apparently unharmed. She smiles, gaping and wide like a knife wound, and then turns and bolts. Everyone just watches her go, which is frustrating.

“You saved me,” Lia breathes, distracting Subaru from his frustration. “I—what can I do to repay you?”

“Yes, I did,” Subaru gloats, flushed and warm with pride. “I can ask you for anything!”

Lia makes a face. “Not anything.”

“Tell me your name!” Subaru demands.

Lia looks surprised.

“Wait, what’d you think I was going to ask?” Subaru asks, concerned.

“Oh, I don’t know. Puck just always said to be careful around boys.” Lia smiles. That warm feeling intensifies, down by his gut. “My name’s Emilia!”

“Emilia,” Subaru echoes. It’s an excellent name. He loves it. It’s perfect for Emilia. “That’s—” and then suddenly Subaru notices that that warmness is not, in fact, complete and utter adoration. It’s blood. Coming from him. He can feel it pounding, pounding, pumping out of him. Pumping, squelching, pulsing—

He doesn’t die that time, and he’s so, so relieved. He doesn’t get yanked into that strange in-between place. Instead, he wakes up and he meets Beako. He wakes up and he meets Rem and Ram. He wakes up and he meets Emilia, beautiful beautiful Emilia, and he’s in love.

“You smell like the witch,” Rem snarls, leaning over Subaru, and he suddenly realises that now is the perfect time to use his ultimate weapon. He’s been waiting for this opportunity. Subaru’d been unprepared, before, but now that he knows what’s going on, he feels strangely calm. He can actually use it this time. He can use his ace; it’ll get him out of this. He’s got this.

Except no, he’s not calm, because Rem is trying to kill him. He didn’t—he didn’t do anything to her, did he? Did he say something? Subaru knows that people don’t like him. But he didn’t think that—he didn’t know that he was that bad. He didn’t try to make her dislike him. He didn’t use his ace on her or anything. He didn’t do this on purpose.

Rem’s only known him for five days, ish. Subaru likes Rem—he’s liked her since he first met her. She was polite as she helped him around the mansion, and while Ram loudly scolded him and pointed out his flaws, Rem was quiet. She was quiet and calming and beautiful. Subaru loved her, even, in that casual sort of way he falls in love with everyone. He doesn’t know why she’s doing this. He loves her.

And now he’s gotta use his ace.

“Is your mom a chicken? Because you’re eggcellent,” Subaru says manfully. It may or may not sound more like a scream, because he’s bleeding out and being tortured and stuff, but it’s enough to make Rem stop for a moment. The respite makes the pain flare stronger, pounding and pounding in time with his heart. It makes Subaru’s vision swim and pulse. He’s crying, probably.

“My mother was an oni,” she says seriously. She’s got blood spattered on her face, rolling down her cheeks, dripping on her lips. Subaru’s blood. “You should know this, as you killed her.”

“I didn’t kill your mom,” Subaru pants. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You lie,” Rem snarls.

“I can lie with you,” Subaru offers. Eugh, that was a bad one. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like using his ace on someone that he likes. Someone he loves, because he does love her, a little bit, even as she’s trying to kill him. It’s so disrespectful and—invasive.

Rem snarls again, louder. Her chains rattle but she does not attack. “What is the point of your false coquetry?”

Subaru is light-headed. He feels strangely warm, then strangely cold, then warm again. It’s sending waves of tingles up and down his body. That’s the blood loss. Fun. “It’s my secret weapon. My ace.”

“It is a terrible secret weapon,” Rem tells him.

“Do you see, sister?” Another voice enters the conversation. It’s a familiar voice. “He is too pathetic to be a member of the witch cuilt.”

“I’m not pathetic,” Subaru slurs, pathetically.

“Sister may be right,” Rem says slowly. “But there is no use keeping him around. He is a drain on resources and an irreverent, disrespectful nuisance.”

“That is true,” Ram agrees. “But is it not—” And then Subaru passes out from blood loss.

He doesn’t get to skip the in-between this time. The presence is louder, now, in that space between death and life. It enfolds him, drenches him, claws at him, bowls him over and keeps him down. The words—there’s whispers—what are they saying? He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like this. He doesn’t like this. He dislikes this. He—

Next loop, Subaru’s got more of a plan. He knows that Rem is the one who killed him, which. Well. He feels like screaming whenever he sees her. And then he does. Oops.

“Ram, Ram,” chants Rem, interlacing her fingers with Ram’s. “Our guest appears distressed.”

“Can you pass me an inhaler? Because you just took my breath away,” Subaru gasps out. His voice is scratchy from screaming.

Rem blinks. “What?”

“Are you a parking ticket? You’ve got fine written all over you.”

Ram’s eyes flash dangerously. “Rem should leave the room,” she says. “Ram must have a… talk… with our guest.”  
Rem leaves obediently. Ram smiles. “I do not know what you believe you are doing, but if you talk to my sister again I will make your injuries look like paper cuts. You are worthless and pathetic scum.” And then she goes on and on and on, looming over Subaru, leaning forwards and lowering her voice until it’s a harsh whisper.

Subaru lets her talk. There’re a lot of threats mixed in. He doesn’t really understand. Why is she defending Rem? Is Subaru really so despicable that he deserves to be killed? Does she hate him?

No, he does understand. Rem is her sister. Ram loves her. And Rem’s never tried to kill Subaru, so to her he’s just being—

It feels—violating, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it? Subaru had decided to only use his ace on his enemies. He’ll stop. Rem isn’t his enemy, after all. He likes her. He loves her. This is love, right? He doesn’t hate her. He doesn’t want her to hate him. He doesn’t know why she killed him, but surely she had a reason. She’d mentioned a reason. Subaru just didn’t understand it. It’s his fault, for not understanding—not hers. And he loves her, so he’ll try to understand, for her.

Ram finishes up and Subaru apologises profusely and proceeds to follow her around. She’s on his side, kind of, after all. He loves Ram, too, a little bit.

So Subaru sticks close to Ram this time. He also makes incredibly bad passes at Rem whenever she gets too close to him, which luckily isn’t often. Subaru doesn’t enjoy doing it. He doesn’t want to use his ace on people he likes. People he loves. People he doesn’t hate. Rem avoids getting too close to him, though, so he doesn’t have the chance to talk to her often. It’s fair that she doesn’t seem to like him. She’s done nothing to him, but he’s still being—he’s still using his ace on her. How messed up is he, blaming someone for something they’ve never done? Blaming someone he loves?

Ram dislikes Subaru too, of course, but she didn’t hate him, didn’t try to kill him, so Subaru will happily hide behind her when given the occasion. Not that Rem hates him. It’d be okay, though, if she did.

While Subaru is hanging around Ram, he figures he may as well ask her about that smell of the witch. That’s what Rem had mentioned, after all.

Ram is not very helpful. “Smell of the witch? Who has told you of such things?”

Subaru shrugs awkwardly. He’d chosen a time when Rem was off on the opposite side of the yard, fixing the topiaries that Ram had messed up. “I just, uh, heard it around.”

Ram narrows her eyes. Her eye. Making eye contact with her is difficult. It’s worth it, though, because her eye is such a pretty candy-red. She’s beautiful. Subaru loves her. “Ram’s sister has a very good sense of smell, and may be able to smell the scent of the witch. Ram does not know why Barasu would know of this, though.”

“Haha,” Subaru says. He shuts his mouth before he can say anything else, because it’d probably be a bad pick-up line and that wouldn’t be constructive. He keeps saying them—the bad pick up lines. He’s said more bad pick-up lines or innuendos than he has words that he means. Subaru doesn’t like it.

A couple of days pass in this manner. In this manor. Poetry, again, right?

Subaru manages to convince Ram to teach him how to read and write some more; as always, she falls asleep very quickly, splayed out carelessly on his bed. There are more threats involved about him respecting her and not doing anything weird, though, which is fair. Subaru would be offended by the assumption, but he’s not exactly making himself look good by hitting on her sister whenever she gets too close.

It occurs to Subaru that he can try to tell someone about Return By Death. He tries, he mentions it Ram, and—

The hands come. That’s what they are. Hands. They whisper lies into his ears. They caress his heart, hold his heart, take it, cage it. They’re inside him, around him, everywhere—he wants to get them out, get them away, get them to leave. They say words this time. _Love you, love you, love you,_ they say. They’re lying, obviously. That isn’t love. This isn’t love.

He decides not to try again.

The final day arrives, and Subaru goes through it like normal. Normal meaning with lots of bad pick-up lines and flirtations. He’s really, really stressed, okay? Okay?

Ram falls asleep in his bed and Subaru stays awake, waiting. He doesn’t think he could fall asleep if he wanted to.

The door creaks open and Rem pads in, her eyes gleaming and her hair pale in the moonlight. She’s wraithlike and delicate looking. Beautiful.

Subaru immediately yelps and darts towards Ram, shaking her aggressively. “Ram, Ram, wake up, your sister is trying to kill me.”

Ram sits up, blinking sleepily. There’s an alertness in her eyes that belays her act. Her hair’s all mussed. “Sister? What is this?”

Rem hides her ball and chain behind her back. “Nothing,” she says innocently.

“She was going to smash me,” Subaru hisses.

“Sister would not do such a thing to you,” Ram dismisses easily.

Rem nods. “Rem has standards.”

Subaru makes an angry moose sound. “I meant in like the murder me way, not the other way!”

“Are you sure?” Ram asks. “Barasu often means the other way.”

Subaru makes another louder angry moose sound. “Yeah, but this time I didn’t! Look, she’s got a weapon!”

Ram looks. “Sister, why do you have a weapon?”

“For...rats.”

Ram nods and looks at Subaru. “For rats.”

Subaru makes a third, quieter angry moose sound. “Fine! There aren’t any rats here! Leave!”

“You’re a rat,” Rem says innocently.

Subaru pales. It’s time to use his ace. “Are you a beaver? Because damn.”

Rem steps back. “No,” she says. She doesn’t appear overly horrified, though—oh, no. She’s built up a tolerance. Subaru’s overused his power, and now she’s used to it. That’s what he gets, for his casual way of flinging it around.

“If you’re going to try to kill me, I have the right to defend myself.”

“Rem isn’t going to kill you,” Ram says, a bit too calmly to be exasperated. “That’d be disrespectful to Lord Roswaal’s decision to hire you. Right, Rem?”

Rem inclines her head. “Yes, Sister.”

“Go back to sleep,” Ram instructs the room at large.

“Fine.” Subaru sits back down in his chair.

Rem takes a step back towards the door, stumbles, and then falls. Subaru immediately scrambles away. This is clearly a ploy of some sort.

“Sister?” Ram rushes towards her. “Rem, are you alright?”

Rem doesn’t respond. Ram lifts her up effortlessly and bolts out the room. Subaru watches, wide-eyed. That—that wasn’t supposed to happen. Is this—is this his fault?

The next day, Subaru is incredibly sleep-deprived but also alive. Rem, however, is not still alive. Emilia has informed him of such, early in the morning, before the sun was up.

Subaru wisely decides to accept the job to buy some things from the nearby village that she’s offered him.

Apparently a whole bunch of children were stolen, which is not good. Subaru remembers playing with the children on the first few loops. They’d been cute little monsters. Now they’re dead, probably. Like—Like Rem.

She’s dead.

The villagers are on high alert; they aren’t very happy to see Subaru, who is a complete and total stranger to them. Subaru didn’t go down to the village with Rem, after all.

Rem’s dead.

He gets chased away pretty quickly.

Subaru...doesn’t know what to think about Rem being dead. She tried to kill him twice, and she did kill him at least once. She didn’t like him. She hated him. But he loved her, didn’t he? He loved her and now she’s dead. Gone forever.

Except...maybe not.

Subaru could save her, couldn’t he? He could go back in time and save her. He could bring her back to life. She wouldn’t have to be dead.

Subaru would have to—

He would have to—

He’s not sure he wants to do that.

He doesn’t want to do that.

Subaru hates Rem, suddenly and viscerally, hates her. How dare she? How dare she die? How dare she make him—

Something heavy thumps into Subaru from behind. Blunt claws scrabble at his back. He falls.

Teeth around his throat—in his throat—it’s wet and slobbery and he can’t—it’s shaking him—shaking—he’s bouncing around—his pulse is pounding—pounding—he can’t—

_love you love you love you,_ the hands chant. Their grasp is firm. He can’t get away. He wants to claw them out of his chest, but he’s frozen, stuck in place, a butterfly pinned to the board and inspected under a magnifying glass. This isn’t love, right? He wonders, in the part of him that doesn’t hate this, he hates this, the part that isn’t hatred and haze and fear, whether he should just—no, this isn’t love. This isn’t love. Please, this can’t be—

Subaru wakes up screaming.

Rem and Ram immediately lunge backwards and Subaru can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he’s taking in huge heaving breaths and shaking and he feels so, so cold, and he can’t breathe, and he can hear his heartbeat, only his heartbeat, and he can’t—

It takes him a while to calm down.

Ram and Rem watch him the whole time. Subaru wants to say something to them. Say sorry, maybe. Rem’s moving and blinking and breathing and she’s alive, and that’s not because of Subaru. He would have left her dead, he realises suddenly. He’s selfish. He didn’t love her. Not enough.

“Rem, Rem, our guest seems to be terrified by our beauty,” Ram says, monotone.

“Ram, Ram, our guest is clearly uneducated when it comes to interaction with others.”

“You can educate me if you’d like,” Subaru blurts. He doesn’t want them here. He doesn’t care whether these two like him. He doesn’t care if they hate him. He wants them alive, sure, but he doesn’t want them here.

They can hate him. That’s alright. He’s okay with that. Everyone can hate him, as long as he gets the job done. That's all he wants.

His voice is hoarse from all the screaming. It’s raspy and low. Perfect for innuendo. Perfect for his ace. Subaru wants to laugh. He does, and it comes out a dry chuckle. He hates it.

Ram narrows her eyes. “Rem, Rem, I think our guest might be a horrible womaniser.”

“I’m equal opportunity,” Subaru says. Maybe once it would have been sincere. Now he’s just chanting leave, leave, leave.

“Ram, Ram, I don’t feel comfortable around such a person,” Rem says.

“I can make you feel more comfortable.” Subaru doesn’t try to make it sound genuine. He’s tired. It comes out careless, flippant, confident.

Ram’s eyes narrow further. “Rem, Rem, I think you should leave. There’s a discussion I must have with our guest.”

Rem bows and leaves quickly. Subaru wants to cry. Ram turns to Subaru and smiles prettily. The lecture begins. “Don’t disturb my sister, you worthless, pathetic fool. Your life is of no consequence. You are a tiny—”

Subaru sits back and lets it wash over him. It’s—it’s almost nice. It is nice. She’s right, after all. Subaru is a worthless, pathetic fool.

He shouldn’t be—he shouldn’t be enjoying this. That’s despicable. But—

He would’ve left Rem as dead. She would’ve stayed dead, and he could have saved her. He didn’t love her. He thought it was love, but it wasn’t. He deluded himself. If he really loved her, he would have done anything. That’s love, isn’t it?

He’s getting what he deserves.

Subaru’s almost glad that Ram can see that. No, he’s definitely glad. She’s seeing him and she’s hating him and she’s right to do so. She hates him. She can hate him. They can all hate him. That’s good. That’s right. That’s what he deserves.

Later, Subaru’s cleaning the floor and thinking. Rem died, somehow, probably the same way that Subaru had died that first loop, or that third loop. It’s two separate attackers, then—Rem’s attacked Subaru, and someone’s attacking Subaru and Rem. Or Rem. Maybe they’re not attacking Subaru and Rem at all—maybe they’re just attacking the mansion. Either way, Subaru’s got something to talk to Beako about. He’s not looking forwards to it.

And then Ram hisses, “Barasu,” and a part of Subaru relaxes.

He mentions Return by Death to Betty—offhand and layered, more of a buried reference than anything else. A throwaway line. An accident. The hands come anyways, trailing fingers down his jaw, so gentle, so sweet, love love love love love. He hates it. He’s tired. Is this what love is? Is this love?

Beako lets him pace and pace and pace until he’s calmed down, until he can hear past the blood rushing in his ears.

Subaru is vomiting in the bathroom. It sucks, but he didn’t eat anything so it’s really more like dry-heaving than anything else. It could be worse.

He finishes up and washes his face. Subaru’s got a plan. He’s managed to remove the shaman’s curse; he’d gone down to the village and been touched and bitten. Beako hadn’t been pleased by his request, but she’d run the scan anyways and the curse has been removed. Ram has been tutoring Subaru, and he should be able to use her to convince Rem to not kill him. It’s going well enough. Nobody should die, this loop. Subaru won’t die this loop. How many loops has it been?

There’s a problem, though. It’s a small problem, but it’s one he noticed last loop and it’s a problem Subaru would like to fix. The problem is that, after a while, Subaru’s ace doesn’t do much. It’s a shock value thing, mostly. Rem hadn’t been cowed by it because she’d heard all of Subaru’s weapons before. So Subaru probably shouldn’t use it this route, right?

The problem is that Subaru is super-duper stressed. The problem is that Subaru keeps making passes at everyone. The problem is that he can’t stop. It’s annoying. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t really mean to do it, but it feels like his brain is on a different wavelength than his mouth.  
He’ll try to tone it down. He knows he should. It’s blunting his blade, after all. His weapon will be worthless, and then where will that leave him? Looping, looping, dead. And everyone else will be dead, too, of course. Can’t forget that.

It makes people uncomfortable, too, Subaru’s weapon does, but he’s long since gotten used to that. He decided that already, didn’t he? If people don’t like him, so be it. If people hate him, good for them.

Emilia’s standing outside when he exits the bathroom, and Subaru can’t help but startle when he sees her. “Oh, Emilia,” Subaru says. He wasn’t expecting her here. He really hopes she didn’t hear him. Really, really hopes. She doesn’t like him, but he doesn’t want her to hate him. It’s selfish of him. He likes her. He loves— “I hope you weren’t waiting for me.”

“Subaru,” Emilia says slowly. She’s looking at him very carefully.

Subaru does not like that. He hates—no, this is Emilia, he can’t— and besides, he doesn’t deserve—he doesn’t need care. “You’re really taking me apart with your eyes. You can do that with your hands, too, if you want.”

Emilia averts her gaze. Subaru averts his, too, clenching his jaw. He didn’t mean to say that. He’d meant to deflect. Blunting his weapon, again. If he keeps this up, Emilia will hate him. He wouldn’t like that. He loves her, after all.

No, Subaru’s love isn’t—it’s not real love, is it? That’s the thing. It’s not love. He doesn’t love her. He thought he loved Rem, and he didn’t. He can’t know that he loves Emilia. He can’t think that he loves Emilia, because he doesn’t really know what love is anymore.

He can’t use love as an excuse, then. That’s selfish.

Ah, but maybe he should keep making passes at her, then. Keep trying to drive her away. 

No. It’s just a thought. Subaru wouldn’t actually do it. He lo— he likes Emilia. He’s gotta think about her, too, not just him. His ace is disrespectful, after all. Invasive. Violating. He doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable. “Nevermind,” Emilia says. “Just...go to bed, Subaru.”

“You can—” Subaru cuts himself. Don’t make her uncomfortable. Too late. She dislikes him, now, too. Hates him. For the better, right? Right? He runs his palm over his face. “Yes, ma’am.”

Emilia leaves, and Subaru goes off to bed. Ram’s there. She tutors Subaru and threatens him and Subaru can’t stop himself from flirting. He tries to stop. He really, really, tries to stop. He likes Ram. She hates him, and he likes that, a bit, which is—hm. Is this love?

“Ram is on Barasu’s bed,” Ram says slowly, after a pause, in response to whatever Subaru had just said. He can’t remember what it was.

He snorts. That was an innuendo, wasn’t it? “Hey, no need to be so cruel to a guy. Coquetry” —thanks for the fancy word, Rem— “is my thing.”

Ram huffs. Subaru glances at her and she looks amused, almost. “Back to studying,” she instructs. Subaru follows her orders.

Subaru is starting to get a little annoyed. His ace has become a bit of a problem. It wasn’t useful when dealing with Meilei and the mabeasts either. He couldn’t even use it on Meili because she’s a little kid.

He did try to use it on the mabeasts, though, which worked about as well as he’d expected.

Yet he can’t stop himself from running his mouth and saying whatever inane thing is on his mind. It doesn’t matter very much with Rem, Ram, Emilia, and Puck—they’re used to it. Subaru’s already made his bad impression on them. They already dislike him and there’s nothing to be done about it. But the new people—like Felix and Wilheim—are blank slates. Subaru wants to—

No, they should dislike him. That’s what he deserves, right?

They shouldn’t have to be subjected to him making them uncomfortable, though, right? They’ll figure it out later. For now, they can be nice to him. Genuinely nice, not fake-nice like Emilia and Rem. Those two don’t actually care about him, not really. Maybe a little, but they don’t like him. They hate him, probably. Beako seems to hate him. Ram hates him, too, and she’s the one who spent the most time with him.

Subaru likes Ram. She’s honest. She sees him, and she hates him, as she should. He likes that. It’s right. Him liking that it’s right—is that love?  
But a tiny little part of him also likes the way these new people smile at him, the way they don’t twist away when they see him.

But he shouldn’t. He should be used to this. He accepted this.

So really it’s a bit understandable that Subaru is annoyed—at himself, and at these new people who are doing this to him.

Subaru is also annoyed because there’s a man flirting with Emilia.

Listen—Subaru knows that Emilia doesn’t love him or anything of the sort. She dislikes him, he knows. She maybe hates him, which is perfectly fine. And Subaru doesn’t really love her, maybe. He thought he did, but that’s not love, is it? If that were love, he would have tried to save Rem. But he didn’t, so that’s not love.

But Emilia is everything, isn’t she? She’s important. Subaru doesn’t really know why, but she is.

Emilia isn’t Subaru’s, but she’s still important, so maybe he’s still in love with her. Either way, seeing someone pulling some moves on her is making Subaru a bit uncomfortable.

And of course that means that his filter is thinning with his patience.

It’s becoming a bit of automatic, almost—Subaru gets stressed, and then he gets uncomfortably flirty. His ace is getting so, so dull. He should stop, probably, because all it’s doing now is making people hate him, but that’s what he deserves.

So, yeah, when the knight guy bends down and kisses Emilia’s hand, Subaru’s first reaction is to blurt, “You can kiss me anywhere you want.”

And that’s pretty bad, Subaru knows. The knight guy seems to think so, too. Behind him, Felix makes a cat-with-a-hairball sound that may or may not be a laugh. Subaru almost winces, but he’s said worse by now so he doesn’t.

“Um,” says the knight. “I’m—flattered?”

“Hi flattered, I’m interested,” Subaru says.

The knight takes a step back. “Who is this...person...again?” he asks Emilia.

“This is Subaru,” Emilia introduces. She turns to Subaru. “Subaru, this is Julius.”

“Subaru.” Julius turns to face Subaru. “I must decline your offer. As a knight, I’d rather not engage in frivolous pursuits.”

Subaru reels back, playing up offense. “Frivolous pursuits? These would be very serious pursuits, I’ll have you know. I’m always serious about you.”

“You’ve known my name for less than ten seconds,” Julius points out sensibly.

Subaru has done more for people whose names he doesn’t know. “And what a delightful ten seconds they’ve been.”

Emilia taps Subaru’s shoulder. “Subaru,” she whispers. “Please stop attempting to court Sir Julius.”

Julius glances around before Subaru can respond. “I’ll be taking my leave now.”

Subaru shrugs. “Alright,” he says agreeably to Emilia. He’s accomplished his goal anyways. He’s gotten Julius to go away. It’s nice that Emilia was nice about asking him to stop, though. She could have been a lot meaner. That would have been nice, too. It would’ve been right.

Julius starts to go and Felix stops by Subaru before he follows him. “I didn’t take you for that type, Subaru,” Felix comments.

Subaru shrugs again. “I can be any type you want.” He doesn’t inject much double-entendre into his tone; that one was automatic. Compulsive. It’s seeped into him, now. How dull. He’d made a few habitual passes at Felix, because Felix didn’t seem to have a concept of personal space and Subaru didn’t really like that. He’d tried to hold back; Felix was nice and Subaru did want him to hate him, but—well, it doesn’t matter anyways. Felix probably sees him now. Dislikes him now.

Wilheim gives him an evaluating look when he leaves, too.

Good.

Now that Subaru’s in the capital he may as well get some practice with his ace. He must make it more powerful. It’s too weak right now. It didn’t work when he tried to use it against Rem—it’d just slowed her down a tiny bit. If Subaru can actively use his secret weapon to drive people away instead of just using it for stalling and deflecting, he’ll be a lot more useful. He’d—he’d love that. That’d be everything, and so he’d love that.

And also Rem is here. Subaru maybe doesn’t want to spend a whole lot of time with Rem. She’s great, she’s sweet, she’s kind, and she’s also tried to murder Subaru a few times, and Subaru doesn’t love her.

She hates him, but she doesn’t show it, and Subaru doesn’t love that, either.

So Subaru wanders around the city for a little bit.

He meets those robbers again, harassing a lady, and his heart pounds and his hands shake. It only takes a leer and a lecherous look or two to chase them away. The whole thing is over in less than a minute. He’s speedrunning now.

“And who are you to meddle in my business?” the fancy looking lady snaps.

“Is that an invitation?” Subaru counters quickly.

The lady withdraws, looking disgusted. Subaru adds more points to his tally. “I would never consort with commoners,” she spits. “Get out of my sight.”

Subaru’s almost kind of offended. If all these rejections keep up, he’s going to start taking it personally. Sure, he’s doing it on purpose to drive people away, but a guy would hope that someone, at least, would consider taking him up on his offer, you know? Yeah. Not that he thinks that someone should take him up on his offer, it’s just—whatever. They should hate him, anyways. He should be glad. “Commoner?” he repeats disbelievingly. “I’d say I’m pretty legendary, actually.”

The lady looks down her nose at him. “Oh? And what might your name be, then?”

“Natsuki Subaru!” Subaru announces, striking his favorite pose.

“Never heard of you.”

“You can hear me all you want,” says Subaru. He puts his hand to his chin, trying to decide whether that last one actually counted as a double-entendre. He thinks it does? It’s close enough, right?

The lady huffs and turns around, so either way it’s served its purpose. Subaru nods decisively to himself as the lady leaves. He’s really getting good at this. Before he knows it, he’ll be able to drive people away without trying.

...He’s already driving people away without trying, isn’t he? But that’s besides the point. He was already doing that, anyways, even without his ace. And it’s a cost Subaru’s willing to pay if it’s saving his lives and the lives of others. It’s no cost at all, really—it’s the right decision. Why would someone want to be close to Subaru? They should hate him. Everyone else does, don’t they?

Subaru wanders around a bit more. He meets Old Man Rom and tells him that Reinhard’s taken Felt. He meets the Appa man from earlier, who makes a comment about how strange Subaru is, and so Subaru makes a comment about how Subaru’s willing to get extra strange with him, or something. It was a very bad pick-up line. The Subaru of the past would have been horrified to hear it. The Appa man of the present certainly was. Subaru probably won’t be talking to him again. That’s fine.

Emilia’s a bit cautious when Subaru returns. She doesn’t ask where he’s been.

When Emilia leaves for the royal selection business with strict instructions not to follow her, Subaru’s like okay, yeah, sure, because he may as well get some more practice in, and he’s not going to disobey her orders. He doesn’t want her to send him away—he’s walking a thin line already, he knows. He wants to stay, so he’ll stay away. And so he does.

Subaru wanders around and hits on people. He’s causing a disturbance, but it’s fine. He’s using his. It’s not dull.

Ram likes to chant things, doesn’t she? And Subaru was thinking about how he could be poetic, so maybe Subaru can do that too. He can write real poetry, even. It can be for Emilia, too, because Subaru’s been thinking that maybe he does love her. She doesn’t love him back, but she is everything, so he loves her.

It’s not love poetry, but he’ll work on it.

One, two, three, four— _leave, you dirty whore._ Five, six, seven, eight—they look at him with only hate. Sneers, frowns, flinches, more—there’s so much to appreciate.

He’s got a new highscore; isn’t that great?

Emilia comes back from the royal selection a bit sad. Subaru tries to offer her a shoulder to cry on, but Puck glares at him until he goes away. She probably wouldn’t have accepted anyways.

The next day, Emilia suggests to Subaru that he stay behind while she and Rem and Ram head back to the mansion. Subaru isn’t particularly thrilled with the idea, but he’s not exactly surprised that it’s come up. He’d rather not, though, and Emilia acquiesces to his request to come with them.

Subaru’s training was all for naught, because then the Witch Cult attacks.

He’s sweeping leaves off the cobblestones outside when suddenly there’s a gigantic explosion, and when he looks over towards the village he can see smoke rising over the trees.

Ram hefts her rake and darts off towards the village and Subaru follows fast, because he may be useless but he’s been practicing so maybe, just maybe, he can do something.

He can’t do something. He can’t do anything. There’s something pinning him down—he can’t see what—he can’t breathe—his pulse is pounding, pounding, weakening—and there’s a voice distant and far away, and it’s saying _LOVE,_ and it feels like hands.

The hands, the real ones, the nonexistent ones, the ones in between—they’re saying _love,_ too, as they hold his heart. This is love, then? This is love.

Subaru resets back to right after the royal selection business, which is pretty strange. He’s got a choice to make, though, and he’s not sure which way he wants to go.

He could stay in the capital and stay safe, or he could follow Emilia and Rem and try to save them all from the Witch Cult.

It’s no choice at all, really. Subaru doesn’t want to be—he doesn’t want to be pathetic. He doesn’t want to leave them to die like he did Rem. They dislike him, they hate him, but that doesn’t matter—Subaru knew that was going to happen, and he’s going to do his best, whether they want him to or not. That’s what love is.

So he does his best.

And he fails.

Betelgeuse—that’s his name—he’s got hands. They’re hands, real hands, even though nobody else can see them. They’re real. Really, really real. Hands like the ones that whisper. Hands like hers. They hold him down and they twist his arms, his legs, his hands, his neck, everywhere. They’re everywhere. _Love, love, love,_ he chants, and Subaru—he laughs. This is love, isn’t it? It’s everything.

_love you,_ whisper the hands, everywhere. Subaru stays limp. They’re layered so thickly around his heart. He can barely feel it beating.

Subaru can’t do this alone, probably. He’s pretty weak. He tried flirting with those Witch people and the green guy seemed kind of into it, which was a bit flattering, but really not productive. And—what does it mean, if Betelguese likes him? Betelguese is always talking about _love_ isn't he? What he's talking about—that’s love, isn’t it?

Subaru—Subaru doesn’t like that.

But if that’s not love, then—

No, that has to be love. Love is everything, isn’t it? It’s dying for someone. It’s doing anything for them. It’s everything.

Anyways. As Subaru has pretty firmly established, his secret weapon only works if it’s successfully driving people away. Stalling, in this case, is useless. Useless, useless—

Subaru decides to get help.

Subaru’s staring down the street. He doesn’t really know who else to ask. He’d tried Felix and Wilheim and Julius and even the Appa Man, but they’d all shut him down as soon as he’d said, “Come with me.”

They were all, “No thanks,” or “I’m flattered but I have to decline,” or “Go away, creep,” and Subaru hates it, hates it, hates it, because he’s not doing it on purpose, it’s—he can’t stop, now. And they’ve all heard of him and they all know him and they all see him and they all hate him. Subaru hates them, too.

And then Subaru’s running out of time so he tries to find someone to take him to the mansion, because maybe, just maybe, he can handle it by himself. He can try again.

There’s a delicate-looking grey-haired merchant who Subaru tries to convince, but even he won’t accept Subaru’s offer after Subaru’s fifth innuendo in three minutes.

Subaru decides to just walk.

Subaru gets eaten by a giant whale.

Subaru tries again.

“Love, love, love, don’t you love TO DO love?” Betelguese croons, his fingers snapping and cracking and bruising purple. They bruise the same shade as the hands above him, around him—those familiar hands.

“I love…” Subaru loves Ram. Subaru loves Emilia. Subaru loves Beako. He doesn’t know how to do love, though. He doesn’t know what that means. No, he has to know. Love is everything. What is he, if he doesn’t have that? He must show his love, then. He must be useful. He’d love to be useful. “I—”

He wants a break.

Subaru doesn’t get one—he gets many, when the hands clench around his limbs. Snap. He hates it.

He tries again.

_Love, love, love._ He hates it, he hates it. He must show his love. He must succeed.

And again.

_Love love love love_ —He hates it, hate hate hate hate. No, no, he can’t hate it, he can’t hate love. Love is everything. He’s doing something wrong.

He gets desperate.

He’d been killed by Betelgeuse the loop before—he’d tried asking for help a little bit but had returned to the mansion quickly enough to get caught in the attack and to avoid the giant whale. Betelgeuse had locked him in a cave. He’d laughed at Subaru, laughed and laughed and laughed, chanting _love love love love love,_ and Subaru had hated it, hate hate hate hate hate. Subaru wasn’t in the cave long, although it felt like ages. He froze solid.

He gets violent when Julius had shuts him down. He pulls the man down to his level by his knightly collar and snarls in his face. Julius had tries to gently detangle himself and Subaru doesn’t let him. He just rants, frothing at the mouth, until Julius get angry, too, and wrenches himself away and knocks Subaru out.

He wakes up in a mansion and he’s been informed by Felix that a few days have passed. Subaru laughs, then. He laughs and laughs and laughs, and then he runs to grab a ground dragon, because maybe, just maybe he’ll get there fast enough to die with the people he loves. That’s what love is, after all.

Wilheim stops him. He pulls out his sword and points it at Subaru, threatens him with it—calmly and politely, more of a warning than anything else.

Subaru looks at it for a moment. Just looks at it. The sword is so sharp and bright and pretty and beautiful.

Subaru walks right up to him. His hands shake. His arms shake. His legs shake. His heart isn’t pounding, though, when the sword rests against it, when he raised his head and he looked at Wilheim. Wilheim’s eyes widen and Subaru can see the exact moment when he realises what Subaru is going to do, and Subaru suddenly very much wants to laugh.

It’s too late, though, for Wilheim to stop him, for laughter to bubble up. Subaru lurches forwards—falls forwards—and impales himself on the sword. Straight through the heart.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, but later the hands don’t feel like anything.

Here’s a bit of wordplay, created by Subaru, the world’s rising star of a poet: when you’ve fallen on your sword enough times, it’s almost like there’s no point at all.

Isn’t that lovely?

The hands are silent, now. He doesn’t resist them anymore.

He’s on his seventh or eighth or ninth or tenth loop—he’s lost track—when he finally wonders whether he should give up. 

No, that’s not true. He’s been wondering about it this whole time. He doesn’t deserve this, does he? He can run away, can’t he? But no, he does deserve this—he can’t just run away. He loves these people. Loves loves loves them.

He’s tired.

The hands around his heart are so, so heavy. He can’t feel his heartbeat anymore.

He could just...let everything happen, and not do anything. He could walk away and be fine. He’d be giving up on love, on everything, but he’d be alive.

Subaru’s just—he’s asked so many people for help. Everyone he’s met, it feels like. People he hasn’t met, even. And they all cut him off and shut him down. They hate him. Why? Is he really worthy of this hate? Is this really his fault?

He wakes up and he wonders whether this will be the last time. He thinks to himself, this is the last time, and he hates it, and he erases it right away, but he still did think it. He’s tired.

He declines the offer to come back to the mansion. He walks and he wanders until he’s up high and he stands there and looks out. He’s not running away. He’s just thinking. He has to be useful, he has to, but he doesn’t know how to fix this.

Maybe no one can fix this. Maybe Subaru is stuck in an impossible situation with no way and out and there’s no way to fix it. He hates it. Everyone hates him and there’s nothing he can do, so why shouldn’t he just do nothing? Why shouldn’t he?

No, he has to. Subaru’s the only one who can. And besides, he’s doing this for love, isn’t he? This is all for love. He loves Ram, he loves Emilia, he loves Beako. Love is everything. What is he without love?

“Excuse me,” says a very nice and familiar voice. Subaru blinks, slow, then whirls around.

“Reinhard!” he gasps. He chokes on the words. He hasn’t seen Reinhard in any of the loops. He’s seen so many people, met some new people, but he hasn’t seen Reinhard.

Reinhard’s smiling that exact same smile. “You look distressed. What seems to be your problem?”

Subaru blinks again. He’s—Reinhard is insanely overpowered, right? He could solve all of his problems. Subaru smiles. It feels exhausting. “You’re super powerful, aren’t you? Great strength, big sword, excellent stamina? I need you to come with me.” And then Subaru promptly covers his mouth with his hands because goddamnit, that sounded like another come-on. He ruined it. So close, so close. Come on, Subaru, get it together. Come-on, Subaru. Hey, that’s him.

Great. He finally found the answer to all of his problems and he’s chased it away because he’s stupid, stupid, stupid. He hates it, hates it, hates it.  
It doesn’t matter too much, though. Subaru’s right on the edge, here. If Reinhard says no, he’ll just take a step forwards and tumble off and try again. He’s doing this for love, after all. Love is everything.

Reinhard’s brow furrows but his smile doesn’t change. “Of course,” he says, and Subaru should be crying. His heart should be thumping in his chest. It’s not. Subaru just feels—

Reinhard doesn’t really want to follow Emilia and her camp to their mansion, but Subaru says that he can bring Felt, so it’s not too hard to convince him. It’s easy, even. The knight immediately caves to just the slightest bit of peer pressure. Subaru hates—no, no, no, this is all love. He’s doing this all for love. Everything he’s feeling right now? That’s love. Love is everything.

Reinhard absolutely decimates the Witch Cult.

He’s poetry—poetry in motion.

Subaru is...happy. He’s happy enough to propose. He does so, several times, to several different people and inanimate objects. The objects don’t answer; the people all stop their celebrating and give him disgruntled or disgusted looks, depending on his wording. Subaru is happy. He loves this. Love love love love loves this.

When the clean-up is done, Reinhard drops by Subaru. He says goodbye and thank you, and all that fake stuff, and then he leaves.

Subaru is happy. Definitely. Totally happy. Reinhard came in and solved Subaru’s problems and left, quick quick quick, and Subaru is happy about that. He was going to give up, after all. Give up, give up, give up again, again again again again. Give up like the pathetic worm he is.

They congratulate him. How messed up is that? They shouldn’t be congratulating him. They don’t know. They should be hating him. They don’t know they don’t know they don’t—He hates it. No, but this is love, isn’t it? He’s doing this for love.

But he didn’t do anything. It was all Reinhard. Subaru’s love meant—Subaru’s love meant nothing.

Subaru’s love was nothing.

Love is…?

Love is everything. Subaru knows that. Everyone knows that—the hands, they know that, they’ve shown him that, over and over and over and over. Love is everything, but Subaru’s love is nothing.

What does Subaru have, then? If he doesn’t have love, love love love love love—what does he have? Subaru hates this, hate hate—

Hate. Subaru has hate.

Subaru wants to hate Reinhard. He can’t, because Reinhard is amazing. It’s not Reinhard’s fault that love is nothing, is it? The only one for Subaru to hate—the only one worthy of hatred here is, well—

Subaru leaves. Someone says something about love—it’s a throwaway line, an _I love this cake_ line, an _I love this fabric_ line, an _I love you,_ and it’s not at him, it’s not for him, but then Subaru is retching and shaking and he suddenly knows that he can’t stay, please leave, please leave.

They’d be better off without him, anyways. He’s useless. He’s only worthy of hatred. His love is nothing and love is everything—how messed up is that? He hates it, hates it, hates himself.

Emilia thanks him and starts to say something and then Puck whirls in and smiles, cat-smug and cool, and he says, “Love the new look, Subaru—those bags under your eyes must have cost a lot of money,” and Subaru laughs and laughs and he’s laughing as he leaves. 

He’s still laughing when he sticks his fingers in his mouth, and when they break under his teeth, the throbbing almost feels like a heartbeat.

**Author's Note:**

> —and then subaru meets halibel and they become incompetent-playboy buddies and it's all fine hahaha.
> 
> this was inspired by a fun conversation i had with only_slightly_obsessed (a_stressed_cupcake)! check out their fics they're good!
> 
> comments and feedback highly appreciated!


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